Decisions and stuff

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I sure don't like making decisions. I like things to just happen and to just fall into place in the right way. Small decisions such as simply choosing what film to watch frazzle my brain to no end let alone big, life changing decisions.

So you've probably guessed - I have a decision to make. A big life decision that I don't want to make and I can't seem to make. I don't want any more advice or wisdom from any one on the situation, I just want to decide. Or should I say I want God to decide for me. I want Him to shine a bright light on the right path and be done with it but sometimes that just doesn't happen. Things don't always come to us on a plate, that's what I've been learning you see. I must surrender to God and His ways but sometimes His ways are simply living my life for him and sharing His love with others.

Sometimes surrendering to God is another way of saying trust God.

I'm scared because He hasn't shone a bright light on the University of East Anglia, I'm scared because a job offer hasn't come my way and I'm scared because I'm listening but I'm not hearing. But that's okay as long as I'm trusting Him. Maybe this decision is mine to make and not God's. Maybe He wants me to make the decision and trust Him in whatever I choose. Maybe. That's a risk and that's not okay with me. Risk means putting everything on the line and not knowing the outcome. Risk means a potential loss, a potential chance of failure or damage and most of all, risk is vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary but then it is also a powerful and authentic way to live. I realise I'm throwing a lot of intense words out there at you; surrender, trust, risk, vulnerability, but then that's just how I think sometimes - a little intense.

People know me as quite a chilled, relaxed person (I mean I'm sitting here writing this wearing a cap backwards, cool or what?) but in my little brain, it's not always that chilled. It's a little crazy up there actually, I've got so many thoughts I don't quite know what to do with them, hence this 'decision' being a little too much for me. I think I know what to do really, I think I know what's actually the important part of this decision and to me, that's the best feeling. It doesn't stop me from feeling nervous, vulnerable and all those other funny things but it does give me a peace like no other.

Whatever path I choose (or God tells me to choose...there's still time God!) I simply know I must trust Him. Trust Him with all I've got, with everything I have in me. Trust him that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future. All I have to do is surrender to God, which is funny because that was the word He gave to me at the beginning of the year to mull over and pray about for 2013. So there we have it, another little piece of me shared with you.

I think I might write a book.




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